my holidays are packed to the brim!!! but at least with fun stuff.. (although i really know im not supposed to have fun.. lol)


went out with wang and tzewei on friday.. i miss them.. (: tzewei was crappier than ever!! but we had a good talk.. it was nice.. (: i love the catching up..


anyway, haven't talked about bio and bio SPA right? though it's long over, it's never too late to say they went pretty well!! (: i have high hopes, really dun want them to be dashed.. ): *cross fingers*


but anyway, i know i got S for maths le.. not bad, im not sad.. cos they went through the paper and i was like shocked at the amt of mistakes i made.. so i expected a U.. but i got an S.. so, not too bad.. lol


im being super positive here.. i hope i get a nice pattern.. like C D E S U or something.. lol, not S S U U U.. pls.. haha


can't wait for cell outing!!! i really can't!! so exciting!! i love my group.. every single person is so dear to me.. ((: i hope we have a blast!! okok, i know we'll have a blast!!


can't wait to spend more time with the pple i love!! oops.. gotta rmb to mug too.. :P oh!! winnie, if u r reading this.. PLEASE COME ON MONDAY OK?!?! we'll have lots of fun.. (: must come!!

i've got 2 good news, bad news, worse news and horrible news...

1st good news: my cousin is getting married!! he is my mother's side cousin, and he is coincidentally the same age as shiong gor gor.. so... he is getting married, and shiong gor gor doesn't even have a girlfriend..... hmm....


2nd good news: i just left 1 more paper till the end of exams!! bio... ok, actually there's bio SPA after bio common test but it's ok.. im not stressed about that.. just memorise sure can do one.. lol


bad news: my cousin's wedding is on saturday (which is tmr) so no church for me for one week!! darn, and abi is bringing newcomers somemore.. so... i feel saddened.. ):


worse news: let's recap how my papers went this week shall we?

MY PREDICTIONS (i'm already being VERY lenient with myself..)
GP: D/E
Econs: E
Maths: D/E
Chen: U (this one is comfirmed plus chop guarentee..)

so as u can see.. not a very nice picture being painted here.. i contemplated giving myself time to emo.. but im numb already.. numb to studying so hard and not being able get any results back.. ok, technically failing is my result, but let's not go into technicalities here...

stop telling me that im in NJ, and no one is stupid in NJ.. cos u dun know wad im going through.. to me, that's just your excuse for being able to neglect me.. to just say, "oh u'll be fine.. dun worry" then stalk off.. how does that make me feel any better?

i'd like to believe that wad u say is true though.. but i can't.. cos every single day when i go to school, im exposed to being a failure.. being the bottom of the barrel.. this common tests, i tried.. i really tried.. let no one say i didn't.. and still, failure's wad i'm gonna get..

the feeling of hearing pple describe how they did terrible cos they skipped a 10 mark question, and knowing that u skipped a total of 30++ marks cos u had NO IDEA how to do it at all... it sucks..

but like i said.. im numb.. just.. let it be.. am i gonna give up? no.. i'll mug through the holidays.. but it's gonna be hard to concentrate knowing that only failure is before u..


THE HORRIBLE NEWS: as if that isn't enough.. my mom just bought a new weighing scale, and i found out i gained ANOTHER 2 kg.. binging my stress away sure doesn't seem to make me feel any better.. i need another escape route..



i wish things would go back to the way they were when i was littler.. "why must things get more and more complicated as you grow up?" as quoted from my school's drama script.. reading qian's post on how we had movie marathons, sleepovers, potato moulding sessions.. makes my heart ache.. can we ever go back to the way things were? even if we actually do the same activities, i know somehow my mind would be on work..


wang is MIA.. i miss her so much.. i just wanna bear hug her..


but let's not make this a saddening post.. there's enough of those around.. let's make this christiany instead!! my fave genre.. lol


well, i read nao's post on how she has big dreams on wanting to save lives, help people, reduce poverty.. and that sounds great.. but as you can see, non christians can have compassion too.. wad makes us stand out? why are we different? i think that God's love transcends mere pity..


we should be the kind of people that love every one.. whether they are street beggars or the president of the united states, rich or poor they need God's love, God's love that should be flowing through us.. it's so easy to have pity or "compassion" on the dying children in Africa,but it is loving the rapists, the serial killers that really showcase the love that covers all..


my mom was telling me about this story.. that this serial killer broke into some woman's house and held her hostage as the police had surrounded him.. as he held the gun to her head, she asked him.. "why are u doing this? what is the purpose of your life?.." she then started telling him about God and told him about "purpose driven life" the book you know..


and he accepted Christ there and then, with tears streaming down his cheeks.. he surrendered and turned himself in and the police brought his away.. but he was changed.. im not sure whether he got executed later or not, but it doesn't matter anymore.. cos he has eternal life..


i would never ever be able to do that.. that bravery.. willing to risk her life just for a little chance of changing someone's life.. u know why she did that? cos she knew, she knew he needed God's love in his life..


can we be like that? agents of change.. do u really believe u r the agent of change? if u say u do.. wad are u doing about it?


p/s: it is kind of ironic that i'm saying this cos i know i haven't been doing much in the "change" department.. but let's strive together.. spur one another on right.. lol


cheerios!

i feel very weird right now.. i'm struggling and i dun even know why.. it just feels so weird..


like, i know i'm doing great spiritually now.. i feel close to God.. but yet every thing that could possibly go wrong in my life had gone wrong.. school, family, cell.. ok, i guess i still have no friends problem..


but, the thing is, i feel strong, yet i feel weak.. i feel like giving up, yet i feel like pushing on.. i've never felt like that.. it's like, in the past i either give up, break down, cry cry cry till God brings me back.. or i push on, strong, confident, ready to face the challenge head on.. (which actually never happens...)


my whole mind, body wants to give up now... but something inside me tells me to hold on.. maybe it's God, maybe it's not.. but i just feel so weird.. cos i really wanna just throw in the towel, forget about everything, but somehow.... i can't..


and no, this is not some emo post.. i just need an avenue to vent on.. i really feel so strange.. but just for the record, though i appear strong, as if i dun wanna give up, i do want to... it's just somehow i can't.. as if someone doesn't allow me to.. (now u get y i feel so weird rite)


does this have to do with the closeness to God? like he doesn't want me to be a person who gives up.. lol.. cos i know im like that.. i give up/run away from my problems.. i never like confrontations, be it with people or problems.. i rather wallow in pain and agony than go head on with someone/something..


well, if it really is him.. can't he start me with something smaller.. right now is such a difficult period.. i dun wanna be strong.. just make the problems disappear.....

this is just a totally random thought..


can you be TOO selfless?? as in always giving, never recieving, till the point of certain breakdown?


not like im going through it in any way la, but is it possible? i actually really think it is.. i mean how can anyone give up everything for everyone else but himself, and yet not feel like it's not worth it?..


like my sister is always asking me for help in her maths, and it's almost as if i am expected to help her, that no gratitude is needed at all in return.. it's not as if i crave her appreciation, it's just i feel like i always help her in her work-without any gratitude, and then no one helps me in my work, yet no one feels like there's a problem there..


and by no means am i saying that i'm a holy selfless saint, cos i know i'm not.. but even giving up this little time and effort to help my own sister, without getting any appreciation back, bothers me.. so how much can a normal person give before he feels he needs to recieve?..


i guess it all boils down to how much you love the people that you are giving your everything to.. i mean look at Jesus when he was about to be captured and crucified.. he was sweating drops of BLOOD.. i can only imagine how he felt, ok actually, i can't imagine..


the fear, the distress, the anxiety.... the always-existing thought if this is worth it or not.. to die or not to die... how scary does that sound?...


and yet in the end he still did it, as he hung there.. dying, as the very people he was dying for mocked him, spat on him... he didn't call the whole thing off and requested that angels sweep him away, but he hung there, accepting the fact that he was dying for people who didn't appreciate it.. not one bit..


i guess that's food for thought... how much do u love the people that u're sacrificing for?.. for me, the love's probable minute compared to the love of my Jesus..


and just for the record, i sure am 100% grateful for what he did on that cross.......