now that this blog is officially dead, i guess it's time to post.. lol..

**WARNING THOUGH!! this is very christiany.. and i am totally rambling cos my thoughts are very very jumbled.. so it's gonna be very hard to understand.. very hard.. and it's super duper long... scroll down to test waters before jumping into the ocean.. (meaning start reading la dummy..) hur hur **


on saturday, someone said to me.. " scary leh, you hor.. spiritually up and down one.. like rollercoaster.." or something along those lines la.. and i didn't know how to respond but smile sheepishly i guess..


and so i have to say it's true, cos it is.. but why is it like that?.. i'm on a high la now.. but when will my next low come? why will there even be a low? what i've been telling my members is how a low is not supposed to come.. it's not a natural phenomenon and it shouldn't be like that.. and we are to guard against that and keep at a high.. but here i am, wondering whether my low will come soon or way in the future..


expecting a low?? how can that be?? well, i've been accustomed to it i guess.. but i wanna break that!! how can the devil be allowed to wreck what i have now? i'm happy, excited to hear from God.. everytime i hear a christian song now i feel like singing along.. some fast beat praise songs can drive me to tears as i rest in God's presence as it falls upon me.. i dun want all these to go away.. EVER..


and how r we to stop that? life gets in the way.. it's easy to say i'm a christian who happens to be a student, not a student who happens to christian.. but it's so not easy to live it out.. when you get penalised cos your GP AQ was too one-sided in a religion passage.. when you r taking your A levels in the top 5 JCs in singapore.. when work piles on you till you can't breathe.. when you are let down one too many times by people you pinned your hopes upon.. (the last point might be out of point if you dun know the story)


so anyway, how can i break this? and i guess it's easy to say rely on God.. pray more (like what i've been telling my members) but you gotta admit.. sometimes it's not that easy.. when i was at a low, i can read my bible and pray daily.. but it's still dryness that you experience.. and i dunno what to do, i'm awaiting that spark.. that powerful sermon or altar call that awakes everything.. and if it doesn't show in 3 mths, then i'm dry for 3 mths..


i started this post hoping i could draw a conclusion, but i guess none have been drawn.. and i know at this point, people like darius (if he even knows my blog exists) would have gone to another website cos it's too wordy, confusing or downright boring/meaningless.. but a blog is for you to say what you feel right? so here i am.. saying what i feel..


as i see some people experiencing that, is there nothing i can do? it pains me to see them like that.. being on both sides of the divide before, i guess i can start asking myself what could have helped me during my low points..


besides prayer (which i know totally helps) maybe all i really needed.. or wanted.. was someone to be there for me.. who totally understands what i am going through, to hear me out.. to not judge what i say though it may be wrong.. to not try to counsel me all the time.. to not try to give me an explanation or a solution.. but just to be there for me.. (ooo... looks like an answer is emerging..)


hmm, maybe what i needed was a true and total confidant whom i wouldn't be afraid of bothering cos he/she was busy.. maybe after crying and bearing all to one person, i could realise that i'm wasting time being at a low.. and truly be desperate to be at a high?? yeah, that sounds reasonable and logical.. (i'm totally seriously getting this RIGHT NOW as i type)


and i want to be that person to everyone who needs that person.. i dun just want to be a leader, i want to be a friend.. i want to be able to come to that low person and ask "what's wrong" without letting him/her feel that i'm asking out of duty.. i want that person to feel real love and comfort.. and to not feel like though i'm comforting her/him, in my head i'm formulating an answer to the problem.. i want to just BE THERE.. cos i guess.. we all just need someone to be there when we are low.. right?


cool, i hope i found the formula?? (and yes, im talking to myself, not you.. lol) anyhow, i just pray that i can fulfill God's will in my life.. that's all i ask.. cos i know my life will be much less fulfilling and much more meaningless if it somehow went any other way..


cheerios!

lots have been happening, good, bad, very bad.. but i've been coping amazingly well.. haha, as long as i stay close to God, nothing can knock me down.. but i guess that's preciesly what happened last week.. me not being close to God.. thus everything just went spiralling down..


but everything's fine now.. just some time management issue to deal with, but other than that, i'm a happy person.. haha.. with drama on hold now, a smart tutee(so i can do my own stuff during mcyc and peer tutoring for cip), and no more chinese.. i guess it'll be easier on me now.. of cos there's the closer to God part la..


and yes, this blog is dead, but at least i aint.. so... i have to end this real quick, sis being a pain by bugging me to get off the comp.. cheerios, i'll post soon.. i hope, but no guarentee!! ): anyway, one last thing.. im thankful im in nj, i really am.. now i know y we do well, the teachers, though lousy, are dedicated.. thanks mr chew and ms ang for the remedials, i promise i'll work hard..


gotta get myself back on track.. good testimony to my fiends in terms of studies, i am not.. but i will work towards that.. sigh.. i have to.. GO GO SARAH!! :) <-- this is a mian qiang smile la.. lol

went studying with tzewei today at the library.. saddened that wang couldn't make it.. i miss her so so so much!! she was my pillar of support in sec school la.. the only one i could turn to in school for spiritual stuff.. (: I MISS U WANG!!


anyway, obviously i didn't study much, i was in holiday mood!! and tzewei was in front of me... so... lol, not very productive la.. i kept trying to distract him from studying to talking crap, and i guess i succeeded a few times though he did quite alot.. haha.. im a horrible person and im quite sure i'll fail my 2nd math test again..


goals i wanna reach in the holidays:

1. finally watch finish my girl
2. cut my hair
3. buy new shoes
4. study for math test
5. finish math revision package
6. finish carbonyl compounds tutorial
7. lose like 2 kgs?
8. catch up on SLEEP
9. spend more time will cell mates
10. read finish philip yancey's "prayer"


yup, that's my top ten list in no particular order.. the hardest for me would be 4 to 7? 1,8, 9 and 10 would be a pleasure to do.. (: ah well.. i guess i really have to sort out my priorities.. studies studies studies.. it's killing me..


tzewei said something that struck me today.. he said " u r not as smart as u were last time" and i totally agree!! so please pple, stop thinking that i'm alright, im the smart one, i can handle my studies.. cos that's what my family thinks and it hurts cos i get no support from them, and on top of that, i have to help my sisters out in their studies and no one helps me.. cos they think i can handle it..


and i bet few pple know that i failed 3 out of my 4 subjects last year? well ya, i'm not doing well.. so stop thinking i am.. i need support and help too.. cos i feel helpless now.. and yes, it;s pathetic to ask for support, but i guess i just really really need it.. feeling kinda down now, as you can tell.. lol.. argh, enough of ramblings.. this is going nowhere..


tata pple ): <--(notice it's a sad face, not a happy one.. )

ok, sorry to my disappointed fans.. (lol, i know i'm probably talking to no one here) but i've been busy.. ):


so no posts and stuff, and technically this is no post either,since i'm seriously just gonna apologize for the lack of posting and then scoot off to go mug.. ( tzewei, i know how proud u r of me right now.. :D )


so, i promise i'll post stuff up when the holidays arrive, which is not long later.. so relax and be patient (again, talking to no one here, lol)


anyway, i've been making promises, many promises, as if the holiday is like 3 mths long or something.. but it's a meagre one week.. i've made movie dates, study dates, jogging dates, shopping dates, hanging out dates.. sigh, and i have a math test immediately after the break.. sigh, this is infuriating.. oh well, before i waste any more precious time blogging... gotta hit the books..


tata!!