i feel very weird right now.. i'm struggling and i dun even know why.. it just feels so weird..


like, i know i'm doing great spiritually now.. i feel close to God.. but yet every thing that could possibly go wrong in my life had gone wrong.. school, family, cell.. ok, i guess i still have no friends problem..


but, the thing is, i feel strong, yet i feel weak.. i feel like giving up, yet i feel like pushing on.. i've never felt like that.. it's like, in the past i either give up, break down, cry cry cry till God brings me back.. or i push on, strong, confident, ready to face the challenge head on.. (which actually never happens...)


my whole mind, body wants to give up now... but something inside me tells me to hold on.. maybe it's God, maybe it's not.. but i just feel so weird.. cos i really wanna just throw in the towel, forget about everything, but somehow.... i can't..


and no, this is not some emo post.. i just need an avenue to vent on.. i really feel so strange.. but just for the record, though i appear strong, as if i dun wanna give up, i do want to... it's just somehow i can't.. as if someone doesn't allow me to.. (now u get y i feel so weird rite)


does this have to do with the closeness to God? like he doesn't want me to be a person who gives up.. lol.. cos i know im like that.. i give up/run away from my problems.. i never like confrontations, be it with people or problems.. i rather wallow in pain and agony than go head on with someone/something..


well, if it really is him.. can't he start me with something smaller.. right now is such a difficult period.. i dun wanna be strong.. just make the problems disappear.....