now that this blog is officially dead, i guess it's time to post.. lol..

**WARNING THOUGH!! this is very christiany.. and i am totally rambling cos my thoughts are very very jumbled.. so it's gonna be very hard to understand.. very hard.. and it's super duper long... scroll down to test waters before jumping into the ocean.. (meaning start reading la dummy..) hur hur **


on saturday, someone said to me.. " scary leh, you hor.. spiritually up and down one.. like rollercoaster.." or something along those lines la.. and i didn't know how to respond but smile sheepishly i guess..


and so i have to say it's true, cos it is.. but why is it like that?.. i'm on a high la now.. but when will my next low come? why will there even be a low? what i've been telling my members is how a low is not supposed to come.. it's not a natural phenomenon and it shouldn't be like that.. and we are to guard against that and keep at a high.. but here i am, wondering whether my low will come soon or way in the future..


expecting a low?? how can that be?? well, i've been accustomed to it i guess.. but i wanna break that!! how can the devil be allowed to wreck what i have now? i'm happy, excited to hear from God.. everytime i hear a christian song now i feel like singing along.. some fast beat praise songs can drive me to tears as i rest in God's presence as it falls upon me.. i dun want all these to go away.. EVER..


and how r we to stop that? life gets in the way.. it's easy to say i'm a christian who happens to be a student, not a student who happens to christian.. but it's so not easy to live it out.. when you get penalised cos your GP AQ was too one-sided in a religion passage.. when you r taking your A levels in the top 5 JCs in singapore.. when work piles on you till you can't breathe.. when you are let down one too many times by people you pinned your hopes upon.. (the last point might be out of point if you dun know the story)


so anyway, how can i break this? and i guess it's easy to say rely on God.. pray more (like what i've been telling my members) but you gotta admit.. sometimes it's not that easy.. when i was at a low, i can read my bible and pray daily.. but it's still dryness that you experience.. and i dunno what to do, i'm awaiting that spark.. that powerful sermon or altar call that awakes everything.. and if it doesn't show in 3 mths, then i'm dry for 3 mths..


i started this post hoping i could draw a conclusion, but i guess none have been drawn.. and i know at this point, people like darius (if he even knows my blog exists) would have gone to another website cos it's too wordy, confusing or downright boring/meaningless.. but a blog is for you to say what you feel right? so here i am.. saying what i feel..


as i see some people experiencing that, is there nothing i can do? it pains me to see them like that.. being on both sides of the divide before, i guess i can start asking myself what could have helped me during my low points..


besides prayer (which i know totally helps) maybe all i really needed.. or wanted.. was someone to be there for me.. who totally understands what i am going through, to hear me out.. to not judge what i say though it may be wrong.. to not try to counsel me all the time.. to not try to give me an explanation or a solution.. but just to be there for me.. (ooo... looks like an answer is emerging..)


hmm, maybe what i needed was a true and total confidant whom i wouldn't be afraid of bothering cos he/she was busy.. maybe after crying and bearing all to one person, i could realise that i'm wasting time being at a low.. and truly be desperate to be at a high?? yeah, that sounds reasonable and logical.. (i'm totally seriously getting this RIGHT NOW as i type)


and i want to be that person to everyone who needs that person.. i dun just want to be a leader, i want to be a friend.. i want to be able to come to that low person and ask "what's wrong" without letting him/her feel that i'm asking out of duty.. i want that person to feel real love and comfort.. and to not feel like though i'm comforting her/him, in my head i'm formulating an answer to the problem.. i want to just BE THERE.. cos i guess.. we all just need someone to be there when we are low.. right?


cool, i hope i found the formula?? (and yes, im talking to myself, not you.. lol) anyhow, i just pray that i can fulfill God's will in my life.. that's all i ask.. cos i know my life will be much less fulfilling and much more meaningless if it somehow went any other way..


cheerios!