Sunday, July 05, 2009

my abandoned wasteland welcomes me back



i wish i had the magical ability of expressing myself in words well.. both in a way that tickles your spirit (esther does it oh so well it amazes me) and also gets the message across well.


i don't have that. used to think i did. but i don't. cos right now what i'm feeling? i can't express it no matter how i try.


maybe cos i'm confused. maybe i don't even know what i want to say.


disappointment? present.

not with you, with me.


don't you hate it when you do/say stuff that you regret later?




if there was an award for that i'd win hands down, no competition.

i'm irrational and stupid, impulsive, impatient.


how can someone who spends so much time thinking also spend so much time doing things that lack thought?


ahh wait i know, i spend time thinking about what i regret doing.. whoa, vicious cycle. i'm caught



i impress myself with my innate ability to sprout nonsense that i don't agree with.

perhaps the problem's that i don't have a conviction.


do you know how it feels like having your heart stabbed repeatedly such that it is completely riddled with scars and wounds? wait for it.. the best part?.. i did it to myself.



emotional self mutilation? check


i'm a wreck..

staying strong is hard work. wisdom's not exactly one of my strong points really. what are my strong points again? i forget.


wrote this a few days ago. came so naturally it felt like i was merely resurfacing something buried under the lies.


Facades of different colours
Masks strewn everyplace
Take your throne chameleon
Partake in your dissemblement


Tongues burn
Teeth chatter
Lips tied together
I can say nothing?
I will say nothing.


A spider trapped in it's own weave
Struggle, feeble, destined to die
Cornered by deceit
My deception


Excuses of love
Attempts at vindication
But one forgets
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth



God, forgive me. I have sinned. Change me, your approval alone I seek.

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